2015 has been complicated. In a less contemplative mood, I would describe it as the worst year of my life: in fact, I have done so. In September 2014, my paternal grandmother died. She was 88, in pain, had 11 healthy adult children, and by all metrics had led a full life. It could always be worse, right? Two months later, my maternal grandfather is in intensive care, knocking on death's door. While his convalescence has been long and not without bumps in the road, he is still kicking. Two months after that, in early January 2015, his youngest child, my aunt Joy, died of a MRSA infection after surgery, age 48. Two weeks later, Joy's mother, my grandmother, passed after several years of dementia.
Whether I acknowledged it or not, these all too frequent visits from the grim reaper impacted me a great deal. I coped with a winter of loss and existential angst by playing video games and eating everything in sight. When I returned to my normal pattern of exercise in the early spring, I found that I was more than out of shape: my left chest began to hurt nearly all the time and exerting myself seemed to make it worse. At times I was out of breath for no reason, sighing constantly in an attempt keep up with the demand for oxygen. Heart palpitations the evening of May 9th placed a visiting friend in the awkward position of taking me to the Emergency Room. High blood pressure they said, but no other signs of heart attack. Still the chest pain, the high heart rate, the occasional shortness of breath persisted. Two weeks later my GP used the term Angina. That's a fancy medical term for the pain and shortness of breath caused by clogged coronary arteries that are unable to supply blood to the heart muscle. Angina is a sign of heart disease ... and of future heart attack. I was referred to the Cardiologist ... at 33 years old I was going to a specialist to verify that I had heart disease.
To say that the human brain is a mystery is akin to saying that the universe is big. It just doesn't do it justice. My brain, presented with the possibility that it might be riding the good ship Matt to the bottom of the ocean, did not take it all in stride. In the span of just a few weeks I sent WebMD to record profits. I can't describe health anxiety any better than this: at some time between the end of May and the end of August 2015 it seemed perfectly reasonable to me that not only might I have heart disease, but also very possibly Multiple Sclerosis, Lymphoma, Lung Cancer, Multiple System Atrophy, and ALS. It seems so silly now, but at the time I was dead serious. I lost 30 lbs in a few weeks, motivated purely by fear. So fervent was my obsession with my left calf being smaller than my right one that I lost sleep over it, and asked multiple coworkers if they saw it too. I was miserable and I was miserable to be around.
Thousands of dollars in tests later, the picture is clearer. I don't have heart disease, not yet anyway. A heart placed under strain by anxiety, excessive caffeine, and intense exercise? that I do have. Acid reflux? That I do have. A left rib that is prone to pop out of place and cause mild pain? Check. Mild carpal tunnel in my left wrist? You betcha. Tight fascia/muscle knot in my left calf, and a dominate right calf to begin with? Guilty.
Fast forward, and now I sit here on Thanksgiving 2015 as happy as I've been in a long time. In the late Summer I went to a professional counselor a few times, and it was tremendously cathartic. The Chicago travel was greatly inconvenient, but I believe that the change of scenery, the delicious food, and the sheer fact that I made it through the semester helped me. October was a huge month: I turned 33, I saw my first professional stage show (Wicked, a show I am unhealthily fond of), the Royals won the World Series, and I bought a PS4, a $350 investment that has been worth it 10 times over.
Even more, about a week from now I'm getting a dog and I couldn't be more excited. Sadie's her name, and she's coming from great owners that, although heartbroken, simply can't have her anymore. I've never met her, and she has no idea that in 10 days her doggy dogg world will turn upside down, but I know that we'll be perfect for each other. Maybe we'll even have crime fighting adventures like Turner and Hooch.
I don't know what lies ahead for me in the next few months. It's entirely possible that Sadie may be the third or fourth most substantial life change for me in the coming year and that's exciting to contemplate. I won't miss 2015, but I'm certainly happy to be here.
