Don't do that.

Song as I write this: "True," Spandau Ballet

In my perfect world, talks with high schoolers revolve around my philosophical waxings: "Back in my day, kids, we had floppy disks an they were even floppy."  "We didn't have cell phones we just tried to yell real loud."  "Our text messages were written on paper and delivered by dog sled."   Etc.   Or, more seriously, "Being an adult means that you don't do things because you want to.  Being an adult means that you whether at work, at home, or with family, you do things because you should, whether you want to or not.*"  That has long been my defintion of adulthood.  Now I'm adding an amendment: sometimes being an adult is defined by the three words that title this post.

There's a bar scene in Good Will Hunting, a film I'm quite fond of, in which a stereotypical 
Harvard  windbag tries to impress a girl at the expense of Will's best friend, Chuckie.  Will, the boy genius, swoops to Chuckie's rescue, embarrasses the windbag, and impresses the girl as follows:
"See, the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years you're gonna staht doin some thinkin on your own and you're gonna come up with the fact that there are two certaintees in life. One, don't do that. And Two, you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin education you coulda got for a dollah fifty in late chahges at the public library" 

Dumb Boston accent aside, point one has long stuck with me - "Don't do that."   Three simple words.  Don't do that.  In some ways its a good motto for life.  Don't do that.

We have a new staff member who has the sometimes less than pleasant job of coordinating appointments with campus academic departments.  Sometimes we take for granted that the way we want to do things (which happens to be the way we can do things with most people) is the way we can do things with everyone.  This is not always the case, for a variety of reasons. My colleague learned this week that not only won't everyone on campus do things the way they would like, sometimes they can't even explain their point in a civil manner.  In this particular case, our staff member contacted another campus assistant about scheduling an appointment. The person across campus felt they had made it abundantly clear in a previous email that THIS IS NOT THE WAY THAT YOU DO IT. They felt this was so clear, in fact, that they took a screenshot of their previous email and pasted it into an email which upbraided our (again, new) employee.**  

We all miss emails.  We all read emails with the best intentions and later legitimately forget about them, as we only have a finite amount of room in these brains of ours.  And I think we all know ways this situation could have been handled better, with a bit of consideration.  'As I mentioned in a previous email...'  or 'Please contact ______ for this request...'  etc.   Don't do that.  

Last week I was at the end of my rope.  I typed out a nasty email.  Twice actually.  But I didn't send it.  Why?  Don't do that.  

The story?  Our institution is an organism, with frequent cooperation and collaboration between disparate offices.  For my part, let me say that when I need something from someone else on campus (which is often), I try to be as gracious and accommodating as possible.  I realize that my request is adding work for that person.   Last weeks' frustration was due to the fact that a staff member across campus, one who clearly outranks me, needed something in an area of my direct responsibility.  However, this person never approached me, instead one of my supervisors as a middle man, dictating to that person what was needed from me.   Better yet, what this person needed was not only going to make my life harder, it was going to make life harder for several of the people I work with this fall, and it was a project I have reservations about anyway.  However, I did what was asked, because that is my duty.    In fact, I provided more of my time and effort to that person's task than I think could have been reasonably expected, and then I dutifully sent it along.  Never once did that person express thanks to me OR to the supervisor they were using as go-between.  Not only that, when provided with my initial work, they implied that it was insufficient and asked for more.  Don't do that.   

More than once this summer, and yet again this week, I was contacted by someone with a message in this vein:  "Oh, you said _____  in a previous email, not _____"  or "It's getting late and we haven't received your RSVP for this..."  In each case I had "Said this", or "RSVP'ed for that," and I could pull up the very emails from days or weeks before in which I had made my intentions very clear. ***  In each case, I was tempted to forward to the person  my time stamped email disproving their claim.  In each case, I didn't.  And when there was blame implied, I took it.  I'm a know it all, but with each passing day I learn more and more that being right for right's sake accomplishes nothing, and burning bridges might feel good.  For about 10 seconds.  Don't do that.  

Consider other people.  Follow your dreams.  Don't do that.  

*This is why every Saturday I have risen at  5:30am to help my mother set up her booth at the Farmer's Market.  God it sucks.

*** And once, petulantly, I even showed my supervisor where I had not only "Said this," but the person in question had agreed to it.  That one's on me.  Don't do that.