Zebras, internal combustion, Christmas, and a bow tie.

[I am inspired to recount this story after reading my esteemed co-author's offering of the life and death of the Mercury Topaz]




This was Christmas day, oh, call it (as Flaco Jimenez does) "Nineteen Hundred and throw it away," (or around 1991) and I was the owner (proud owner) of a 1967 VW Westfalia Camper.  Neat, yes, all the more-so for its delightful paint scheme: Zebra stripes, top-to-bottom, roof included.  I bought the beast that way, and remember to this day my mother falling to the ground with laughter when first I drove it up to the house.

Now, this VW was somewhat on the conspicuous side, so I drove always with caution, and with strict adherence to the rules of the road.  The double-reduction gearboxes in the hubs that limited the top-speed to about 55mph helped in that effort, as did the roughly 54 bhp motor!  In any case, I drove the bus, on and off, for about 3 years, with only one instance of unwarranted police attention, which is the source of this story.

Having spent the day with family, I departed the manse and proceeded to gather two good friends, D and M, as we planned to head to the house of a friend of another friend, in nearby Carteret, New Jersey.

D sat in the front passenger seat, dressed, as was his norm, in a leather biker's jacket, Dr. Marten's and a stern expression, I was wearing combat boots, a flight jacket, but hardly menacing with my John Lennon glasses and long hair.  M sat in the back, on the rear bench.  Since the bus was a camper, that was the only other seat.  M, as always, dressed neatly, button-down shirt, and possibly a bow-tie, proper shoes, and the like.  This will come into the story later.

The trip between our hometown and Carteret is usually short jaunt north on Route 1.  We entered the empty highway (slowly, it had snowed, and the bus was not speedy), quickly exiting our hometown and entering Edison Township.  Crossing over the township line we passed an Edison police officer sitting  alongside the road who promptly pulled out and began to follow us, first behind, then coming up on the left side, then the right, then pulling out in front, and finally falling in again behind us.  He was looking for a reason to pull us over, but I kept the vehicle in good running order, all the lights worked, and I was, as usual, paying careful attention to the rules of road and compensating for the unfavorable driving conditions.

All of this was for naught, as just before we would have passed beyond his jurisdiction, the office flipped on his overheads and pulled me over.   I turned off the motor, but turned on the hazard lights.  The bus didn't have any hear anyway, so there was no need to potentially antagonize the office by leaving the vehicle running.  The officer took his time approaching the bus, so that by the time he approached I had my license and other papers out for inspection.  He ignored my polite inquiry as to the nature of the stop and collected my papers and D's license.  He asked where we were going and from whence we had come, all questions that I answered politely, but with minimal detail.  He made a thorough inspection of the interior of the bus with his flashlight as he walked both to the bus and back to his cruiser.  We sat for sometime, ten minutes, perhaps more.  We could observe him speaking on the cb several times, and taking notes.  Eventually he returned to the bus, returned our papers and did another inspection of the interiors.  He lingered especially in looking at M.  He asked D to move aside so that he could stick his head in the window to speak with M.  This was the exchange:

Officer:  "Sir, are you okay?"
M: "Ahh.....yes?"
Officer:  "Sir, are you certain that you are okay?"
M: "Yes."
Officer:  "Sir, are you being held against your will?
M: "What?"
Officer: "Sir, are you being held against your will?" "Do you know these two men?"
M: "Excuse me?"
Officer: "Do you know these two men?"
M: "Yes, one's my college roommate and the other is a life-long friend."
Officer: "Are you certain that you are not being held against your will?"
M: "Yes."

He returned my papers and told us that we could depart, which we did, passing into the next town 100 yards up the road, where we were promptly tailed by a Woodbridge Township police cruiser, which passed us over to a Carteret cruiser that followed us to the friend's house.

Syllabus tidbits, no. 3

The last for today:

"I require the use of the Oxford comma; call me old-fashioned.[1]

---

[1] Yes, I am aware that Vampire Weekend has recorded, released, and performed a song entitled “Oxford Comma.”  And I know as well that they don’t care much for this essential, traditional, and unfairly maligned bit of punctuation; a pity really."

Syllabus Tidbits no. 2

More fun:

On Final Exams:

"The University establishes the schedule for final examinations, and as such I will not offer an alternate examination time, so make your end-of-term travel plans accordingly.  Addendum “A” contains the examination dates and times.  Tell Mom and Pop, or Mom, or Pop, or whomever, now, so they don’t “surprise” you with a plane ticket home.  They certainly will be surprised when they see your grade.  The same rule applies for Spring Break.  Rumor has it that high-stakes quizzes are frequent visitors to the class periods immediately prior to and following this bizarre, but much-lauded, collegiate ritual."  

On Bathroom Use:

"I am baffled by the constant stream (pun intended) of students who walk in and out of classes while they are in session.  By baffled, I mean annoyed, and by annoyed, I mean angered.  Attend to your bodily functions prior to class."  

 On Dressing for Formal Business Events:

“Business professional” attire is required.  To loosely paraphrase a (now retired) colleague: “For men this means a clean, pressed, and presentable dress shirt, tie, belt or suspenders, dark socks, pants or trousers (not jeans or khakis) and a sport coat (with appropriate dress shoes – no matter how much you paid for them, sneakers are not dress shoes) or a business suit; for women, it means clean, pressed (as necessary) and presentable clothing and closed-toe footwear appropriate to a business occasion, not a sporting event or a Hollywood ball.  While you may look stunning in those five-inch stiletto heels, they are not appropriate attire.  If you choose to wear a skirt or dress, and you need to take even a solitary moment to consider how you would sit without embarrassment in a solitary chair facing an attentive audience then it is too short for this event.”  Generally speaking you should seek to cultivate a look that is tasteful, clean, refined, timeless, and forgettable.  You will be representing the University and me while you are in attendance; you do not want to disappoint either of us.  Failure to dress appropriately will result in a reduction of your overall grade.  If the dress requirements for this dinner will present you with difficulties, for any reason, please come and speak with me at least two weeks in advance.

On attendance:

"If you have a legitimate and provable reason for missing class let me know in advance and I will give your application due consideration.  All such applications must be made in writing (by e-mail attachment) and are considered formal writing assignments.  They must be submitted in a memo format.  In the end, it is your responsibility to take attendance seriously.  My ego may suffer some damage from repeated mass absences, but that is repairable given time.  However, it is my experience that students who do not attend lecture diligently usually fail the course (and life).  Please consider the following: if you cannot arrive on time and attend a class for a grand total of 210 of the 10,800 minutes in a week (1.94 %), why would anyone in their right mind want to hire you?  That’s correct; class attendance consumes less than 2% of the total number of minutes in a week.  Most of you probably spend more time each week playing video games, on social media, texting and tweeting, eating, showering, engaging in reckless and disgusting behavior, or simply gazing at the walls of your room."

 

 

Syllabus tidbits no. 1

I enjoy crafting a syllabus.  Much like the clothing one wears, a syllabus can say much about the instructor and the course.  It should work at the most superficial level, providing the necessary organizational details of the course, but also conveying to the discerning reader a sense of the personality behind the pages.

With that in mind, I am sharing a few of my favorite passages.

On Personal Conduct:

"Repeated or excessive tardiness, packing up before the end of class, answering a cell phone, allowing a cell phone to ring, leaving your cell phone on the desk or in view, sleeping, texting, reading and surfing the internet during class are disrespectful and disruptive.  I will order repeated or egregious violators (recidivists) to leave the classroom.  If you cannot survive 80 minutes without viewing, fondling, or otherwise manipulating your cellular mobile telephone then you should take another class and reconsider whether you are ready for college.  It isn’t a lover; it is a device, so let’s have some perspective.  Save those caresses for someone that cares for you and whose affections aren’t purchased on a monthly basis.  The only exception I have ever allowed regarding phone use in class was for a student whose spouse was serving on a forward base in Afghanistan and therefore could not call on a predictable schedule.  I doubt very much if your call or text message meets that threshold of need."

I enjoy comparing their cell phones to prostitutes.

Another from the same section:

"When communicating with me via email you must include a descriptive subject line and indicate the course number: e.g. “BUS 226, question concerning the lab assignment of 12 February.”  I prefer the salutation “Dr.” (which I have earned from many years of effort), not “hey,” (which is available to anyone with a pulse regardless of their sentience).  Emails must conform to the patterns of General Written English, and avoid the mangled and idiotic syntax common to text messages.  Do not expect us to decipher your digital shorthand, as I can be deliberately, persistently, and un-apologetically obtuse when I desire to be so.  Since most email programs indicate when you have made an error in spelling there is no excuse for sending a message containing such travesties in plain view.  This is simply good practice, it should become second nature, so that the day doesn’t arrive when you realize too late that you used the word “pubic” in an email to a potential employer when you meant to write “public.”

That should get a laugh.